Why Me
by Ninja Basket
Summary: Looks like L is going to be a grandpa. Or...Is he? Mello's PoV. Takes place in Wammy House, Matt/Mello.
1. Chapter 1

-Intro-

He always chooses to the worst time to strike. He decided that on Near's birthday, he'd say Godzilla didn't exist. I mean, I don't exactly _care_ for Near all that much, but even Matt and I decided it was a bit rough for the kid's _birthday_. He decided that, on the day L came home, the day of hysterical cake eating, that he would hide the house's best cake pan. He also decided, that the same day, he would tell me that...

Whoa, I better slow down here. Maybe tell you who the heck I'm talking about: His name is Michael. With a _c_. Not Mihael, but Mi_c_hael. Once L started the Kira case, I was convinced this kid was Kira. That plan didn't catch fire _nearly_ as well as I thought it would. Anyway, he gets adopted like, every other week, but the seniors always return him. And they always leave saying, "He was such a _bad _seed."

Well, he tortures everyone, but he's definitely got it in for me. Which usually ends up dragging Matt into things. Like his latest plot. I swear on Rodger's baldish head I will get revenge on him. Later. Right now, I need to vent.


	2. Oh, Dang!

My morning started out badly.

First of all, I was up all night waiting for L. Well, _that_ was a bust. Apparently, he was coming home around dinner time the next day.

Second: A few weeks back, Matt found this pheasant. It now serves as Wammy House's rooster. Stupid thing decided to crow at seven o'clock. It's okay; I like to get five hours of sleep. Feels dang invigorating.

Third: There was _absolutely_ no way to incorporate chocolate into bacon and eggs, which is what was for breakfast. Heck, I wasn't going to eat it anyway, but it's still a little upsetting that I couldn't drizzle chocolate syrup all over Near's potatoes. Or just over Near. His pajamas wouldn't have been white much longer.

And finally, fourth reason: Michael planted some stupid idea in Matt's head that I was pregnant. _Pregnant__, I say!_

The morning went pretty awkwardly until I decided to confront Matt about his ignoring me. I walked up to him on our way to government class. He just sped up. The kid could run; I'd give him that. I'm incredibly lucky we sit next to each other. I could talk to him during class and I could just say I was asking about the homework. As we sat down I tapped his shoulder. His expression showed that he was obviously afraid to have any contact with me.

"Hey Matt." I chirped. Not even his goggles could hide the size of his eyes. "So...how come you've been ignoring me all morning?" He just gave me another bewildered look.

"Ignoring you?" he was clearly nervous about something. His voice also broke when he said that. Puberty was really hitting him hard.

"Well, yeah. Why was I sitting by myself at breakfast?" Great, he was avoiding eye contact now. Something was wrong and I had a feeling that it was me. Not only me, but he probably heard some nasty rumor about us again. Linda had a way of getting those going around the house like a roundabout. Matt took a big breath, set up a book barrier, pulled me behind it, and told me everything. When I pulled my head out, I must've looked like a strawberry. I was right, but I honestly wish I hadn't been. The rest of the class was pretty weird. I was going to have to read the chapter again that night; I had spent the class thinking about who could have told Matt this, and how to keep it from getting around. Because when a rumor gets out at Wammy's, it spreads like wildfire in California. Stupid state.

-

I thought as I walked to the cafeteria.

_God. Who the heck could have told Matt about this? It's not even a logical rumor! I can't even-_

It was about then when I noticed Near giving me that blood-curdling smile of his. Scared the heck of me, I tell ya! I was walking parallel to Near, who looked up at me and stared into - and broke - my soul.

"Congratulations" he said to me. No, this was not his usual mutter of 'Hello Mello', this was out loud, and _everybody_ heard it. I looked back at him, my mouth gaping open. I tried to shut it, L always said things would fly in, but... it just fell open again.

"W-What the _hell _did you just say to me?!" he just kept twirling his finger in his hair and began to walk faster toward the cafeteria. Well, I think he sped ahead, or I just stopped moving all together.

I regained mobility a couple seconds later, or when the initial shock wore off. I just made my way into the lunch line. Unfortunately, right behind me was a group of ditsy girls who kept giggling loudly. They had obviously heard the rumor going around, or....

"YOU!!" I shouted almost lunging at their leader. As any normal girls might do, all of them let out a high pitched squeal.

"Uth?" one of the younger ones lisped. "What do you mean, what did do?"

"You know exactly what you-" Then a voice came.

"Next!" it cried again.

"Exuthe me." said the little girl again. "Exuuuthe me, but if you hadn't notithed, you're up." I looked at the line. She spoke the truth. I walked up to the trays, picked one up and began surveying what good ol' Wammy had to offer us.

"Hello Mello." I looked up. I felt like I had just been Kira'd. There above the counter stood Michael, whose hair looked like it hadn't been washed in at least a month. I gritted my teeth.

"Hello Michael." I said, enunciating that awful, _kkkkkhhh _sound that was thrown in his name. It just made the name sound so...so dirty.

"I-I'll have the ...pudding. I'll have the Chocolate pudding." I stuttered, spitting somewhat when the _p_ came bursting through my lips. Almost as soon as those words came out of my mouth, he spooned a large spoonful of it on my plate. Whoever put Michael in charge of kitchen duty really should just die. Painfully. Not only can his smile send Kira for the hills, but he gives you way too much food.

I sat down, a couple tables away from Matt, you know, for good measure. Bad news, the seat available seat was at the administration table. That means sitting with a bunch of old people who can't eat the raw carrots because '_I didn't get the premium denchers, so I can't chew anything harder than boiled potatoes!' _

I sat down next to Rodger, who had some food falling out of his mouth and onto his word-search. I just looked at him a while before he noticed me. When he did I pretended to get very interested in my pudding.

"You really should get some fruit or meat into your diet, Mello." Rodger commented. "I mean really, if you just eat chocolate, your excretement is gonna-"

"Wow," I said loudly, making sure to stop his train of thought. "That _really_ is not something I want to hear while eating!" Rodger looked at me and went back to his word-search.

"You would've thanked me." I scoffed that comment off and shoveled pudding into my mouth. That was probably were all my troubles began.


	3. The Madness Begins

I spent that night thinking about all the reasons that this rumor _wasn't_ true.

_Ok Mello_ I thought to myself _you absolutely cannot be pregnant! You are a male, and only females have this ability!_ Although one thought kept creeping into mind. What Near had said at lunch, 'Congratulations?' It just didn't make sense! I decided to talk to him the next morning; maybe he was just congratulating me on a test.

-

Well, I actually made an attempt the next morning to see Near. I did! But one thing stood in my way. Two words: Rapid Vomiting.

I spent my entire morning hunkered over a toilet. I should have never eaten all that pudding. I can be so stupid sometimes. At least I got a guest. Of course, that's if you count a small albino passing by and staring at you as a _guest_.

"What happened to you?" Near asked, sticking his fingers into his hair.

"There was something wrong with that pudding." I sputtered out between intervals of vomit.

"I see." He said looking rather bored with me.

"Go and empty your weird little system already!" I shouted at him "And leave me to my food poisoning!"

"I didn't really have to go." He said vaguely, heading for the door. "And that may not be food poisoning." I looked at with a puzzled expression.

"What else could it be, genius?" I was mentally slapping myself for calling him that. He probably liked it.

"Morning sickness." He said making his way out onto the hallway. I looked at him for as far as I could without straining my eyes too much. Then I threw up some more. Because what he had just said was sounding truer by the flush.

-

I walked to calculus almost in a trance. There were only three things on my mind.

There was probably a little person living inside me right now.

What was the most effective way to give Matt hell _without_ sounding like an expecting mother....father?

The flavor of puke covered up by "Colgate: Bright and Shine" toothpaste was dang nasty.

For the first time in my life, I was beginning to regret meeting Matt, let alone sitting next to him. He greeted me with one of his famous, 'I'm a clueless boy!' grins. I tried to give him my best glare, but once again, the name of his grin speaks for a lot more than his smile.

"Hey Mel!" he said cheerfully. He obviously had decided this rumor was rubbish. "Where were you at breakfast? I saved you a seat."

"I was sick with your child." I hissed under my breath. "All. Morning. Long." Matt's eyes widened.

"Y-you m-m-mean, the rumors...they're ....t-true?" Lord, he sounded scared.

"Yeah" I said. "Well, I think so." I pulled a book out of my bag. "According to this book, I have all the symptoms. Matt just looked scared again. Throughout class he gradually began to look happier and happier about it.

It was disgusting.

When we were dismissed to lunch, I headed to my room. Just as I had expected, Matt was in pursuit of me. He caught up, and cupped a hand over my shoulder.

"Sooooooo, are you gonna eat in our room? Great! I'll go get you something!" he dashed off to the cafeteria.

I blinked once. I seriously did not catch _any_ of that. Oh, well.

I continued the walk to our room. As I was about to open the door, an unhealthily bony, and skinny hand grabbed the doorknob. I looked up the unhealthily skinny arm, to look at unhealthily creepy face.

"Allow me." Michael said in a voice disturbing enough to make Near cry. At first I took this as just an act of random kindness, but then I remembered: Michael doesn't do nice things.

"What do you want, Michael?" I asked, making the annoyance in my voice extra noticeable.

"Nothing" he said. "I just wanted to talk. Anything you want to talk about?" this is where I made my second big mistake: I let my guard down.

"Well," I said "You see this rumor started yesterday that I was p-p-pregnant. And this morning, Near started treating me like I was, and so..." Michael gave me a hair-raising smile.

"Do you think it's a boy or a girl?" he asked

"Hey, you jerk!"

"MOOD-SWING!" he yelled, jumping up and running out of the room. I threw a pillow at him on his way out. Then I began to cry. Matt walked in carrying two loaded trays of food.

"What the _hell_ did I miss?" he said setting to trays down, in favor of rubbing my shoulders. I looked at him with teary eyes.

"I'm getting mood-swings!" I bawled into his shirt. "and stop touching my shoulders!" He put on his confused face.

"Ooh. 'Kay." He said looking at the hideous carpet covering the floor. I pulled myself together.

"What's with all this food?" I asked still sniffling.

"Well, I figured since you puked up half your body weight this morning, I decided to get you a big lunch." he said.

Well, who could argue with _that _logic? I picked up my spoon and began to shovel anything I could see into my mouth. Matt looked a bit more scared than anything at my intake.

"Whoa," he said eyeing the same custard I was reaching for. "Maybe you are pregnant Mells."

I looked at him, my mouth almost bursting with its contents.

"Maybe Matto." I said spraying him with cornbread, rice pudding, and orange juice, and whatever else was left in there that I hadn't swallowed yet. "Maybe."


	4. Holy Crap

Every morning, you could find me hunched over the toilet, puking up half my body weight. Around lunch, I was in my room, gaining it all back, and so guess who started gaining weight like crazy? Me. And it happened every. Single. Day.

I could _so_ not do this for nine months.

At least Matt was being somewhat supportive. The book said most people bail. It also said you miss something called a 'period', which got me thinking, _I've never gotten one. How long have I been pregnant?!_

Whenever we're alone in our room, Matt just stares at me, instead of his game-boy. That thing is always too distracting or not distracting enough.

"Damn." Matt said staring at my stomach.

"I beg your pardon!" I said, it had been enjoyably quiet in the room, and I was enjoying my book.

"That thing is huge." I glared at him for awhile; I hope it didn't look _too_ obvious that I was trying to come up with a come-back.

"It takes after its dad." I said finally. He looked at me with his nose scrunched up.

"Me? Why do you think it takes after-"

"Not you, halfwit!"

"Then who?" I narrowed my eyes to slits.

"Near." Matt fell off his bed at the implication.

"Say _what _now?" he looked like he was about to cry at any second. Did he really want a kid _that_ bad?

"I'm just kidding, Matt. It's probably yours." I wanted to see that face of his again. "Well, I think." Matt didn't disappoint me. He looked at me with a giant grin on his face. He finally got the joke.

"Oh, you!" he said waving an understanding finger at me. I returned the smile, somewhat sarcastically.

"Me. Now get go get me some pudding." He ran with a god like speed to get it for me. He was so helpful. Sometimes. I tried to get back to my book, but some idiot started knocking at my door. I heaved a sigh, letting the person on the other side of the door know they were not wanted nor were they welcome. Before opening the door, I put on an irritated looking scowl. I opened the door.

"Helloooo!" Michael said cheerfully. I just stared at him. There was an odd silence. "So...can I come in?"

"No." I said, not bothering to change my agitated tone of voice. I started to close the door, but Michael apparently had more persistence than I gave him credit for.

"But, it's cold out here!" he said, craning his neck to see into the room.

"It's the same temperature in here as it is in the hallway." I said avoiding his beady eyes. Someone once told me to avoid eye contact with potential threats, but then again, we were talking about animals. Oh well, he was close enough.

"Just let me in!" he yelled. I opened the door to let him in.

"What's behind your back?" I demanded. If he was in my room, he better not have anything deadly with him.

"It's just-"he said, hesitantly

"What. Is. It." I asked again, clenching my teeth.

"It's just a present. You know, in case I miss the baby shower." He said extending his arm. At the end of it was a box. It was wrapped rather messily.

I could've slapped him.

No, instead, I settled for accepting it curtly. He gave me one of his chilling smiles.

"I'm not going to open it in front of you, if that's what you're waiting." Well, he wasn't going see any surprise, fright, or gratefulness. Then it occurred to me._ Wait a minute Mello, what if there are explosives in that box?_

When that thought hit me, I immediately dropped the box to the floor. After a minute I began to prod it gingerly with my toes. There was nothing sharp in it. I smelled it. It didn't smell like gun-powder. Deeming safe, I took hold a loose piece of wrapping and pulled, the rest of the paper basically came off with it. Had he never heard of tape?

Underneath the paper was a lump of black. I poked it. It was cotton, and pretty high quality, too. I lifted it out, or more like, off, of the paper cushioning it. I held it up to my eye level. _Holy crap._ I said to myself a couple of times before my mind processed what I was holding. _He bought me tank-top!_

I poked my head through the door frame._ Nobody to the left_. I spun my head the other direction._ Nobody to the right._ I ran to the window and shut the blinds. No one would ever know about this. Ever.

I closed the door and peeled off my shirt. I grabbed the one on my bed and slid it on. It went on like chocolate syrup went on Matt's—

...it fit really nicely, that's the point. I went over to the mirror on the closet door. I began to adjust the shirt. When I was done I stood up straight, tugged my shirt's hem a bit, looked myself in the eye and began to mouth things to myself.

Next, I checked my backside. My butt was HUGE. After I was done, I slapped it.

"I look _damn_ good!" I exclaimed. It was the wrong time to say that though. When I looked back in the mirror, I caught Matt's gaze and nearly keeled over.

"Where on earth did you get that?" he said while eyeballing my new shirt.

"I-I got it from Micha-"

"Why are you wearing it?"

"Because it's rude not to,"

"Do you even know what that shirt _is?!_" I looked at him and then the tag. I stared at him dully in the eye.

"Medium." I said plainly.

"_What?"_ he said. He sounded like a girl when his voice cracked like that. He put my pudding down and walked over to me. He snatched the tag out of my hands.

"So I gained a few pounds!" I said defensively.

"A few pounds Mell? Dude, that nasty piece of cloth is from the _maternity_ section!" he yelled back to me. My eyes grew to the size of L's tea saucers. I quickly ripped it off, and at a loss of what to do, threw it out of the window.

"And _stay_ down!" I yelled after it. I withdrew my head from the window. Matt looked at me with a smile on his face.

"Feel better?" he said cheekily. I looked at him for a while.

"I will," I said "once I get some of that pudding." And with that I dove on his bed and grabbed the snack of the bedside table.


	5. A Challenger Appears

Well, Michaels's stupid pranks didn't stop at the maternity shirt. After that, he gave me a baby carriage, about fourteen bottles, a life time supply of strained ......I don't even know _what_ that crap was, or where he even got any of it, anyway, it was green and orange, but the container said it was jellied cherries. Damn Gerber. Why can't they feed babies real food for once, like chocolate? I would feed that to my kid, wait, no, my _not_ kid. I've decided that having a kid is too much trouble, so I'm going to be a priest.

It was after classes on Monday when hell froze over. More than it had before. Matt and I were in our room talking about going with natural birth when someone knocked on the door. Neither of us moved. Without looking up from his book, he motioned his head toward the door.

"Go get the door, Mells." he said nonchalantly. I looked up from my book, and motioned to my stomach.

"Hell no I won't," I said bugging my eyes out at him. "I'm carrying your mistake." he rolled his eyes up at me and sauntered to the door. Rodger was at the door, searching for something beyond the door Matt had barely opened.

"Ah, Matt." Rodger said hurriedly. "Is Mello in there?" he asked, trying to pry the door open to get a better view.

"Yes he is, sir." Matt said cheekily. "But he's a bit busy carrying my mistake." He gave a sickeningly sweet grin.

"W-what?" stuttered Rodger. At least he hadn't heard the rumor. That was a relief.

"I'm right here." I said climbing of my bed and opening the door further. "What is it?"

"You have a telephone call downstai-_dear Lord_ what has happened to your figure?" Not bothering to answer him in anyway, I bolted out of the room and to the down stairs telephone.

Rodger looked down at Matt who was trying to trace me until I was out of sight. The two were obviously very uncomfortable.

"So.....what's your mistake?" he asked while trying to make eye contact with Matt.

"It's a long, long, long story." And with that he shut the door on Rodgers big nose.

-

I skidded into Rodger's office, where someone was questioning something. Seems Rodger forgot to tell the person on the other end that they were on hold. I picked up the telephone and pressed it to my ear.

"Hello?" I asked, my voice trembling a bit. The person on the other end seemed to perk up at hearing another voice.

"_Oh, yes, hello to you. Is this_ _Mello?"_ My eyes lit up at a certain someone's voice.

"L!" I exclaimed "L, it's you! What are you doing calling? Is your case over?"

"_Why, yes it is in fact. And I have rather good news for you."_

"Really? What is it? Is Michael Kira?" I asked him hopefully. L let out chuckle.

"_No, I'm sorry, that hasn't been finalized. But, back to the news: I'm coming home this month, and I should be back around...this time next Saturday."_

I'm sure I disappointed him by not letting out a gasp of excitement.

"That's great, L." I said rather worriedly. "That'll be a lot of fun."

"_Is something the matter, Mello? When I say I'm coming home I can usually hear you bouncing off the ceiling."_ I gulped. He was definitely onto me.

"No, no. I'm just a little sick." I said, coughing to make it sound more realistic. "I just caught a little chest cold."

"_Oh, okay then. I shall see you on Saturday."_ He hung up, but I kept the telephone pressed firmly to my face. I finally hung up and set the telephone back on the receiver. I looked out the door.

"Dammit."

-

"MattMattMattMattMatt!!" I yelled, shooting up the stairs with as close to god-like speed that I could muster. In my fit of screaming, I almost passed our room. I took hold of the door-frame and flung myself into the room, stumbling on top of Matt from the momentum.

"I've got news Matty-boy!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me sort of sweetly. "That's great Mello. I've got some news for you, too."

"Really? What is it?"

He narrowed his eyes at me."Your elbows are puncturing my appendix!"

"Ooh." I said, pulling myself off of him and settled rather _beside_ him. He replaced his attention back to his book.

"Soooo......what's your big news?"

"Well...._God_, Matt wouldja _look_ at me?" I said, pulling his apathetic face from his book. He dully looked me in the eyes. "That's much better." I said sweetly.

He gave me grin to match my tone of voice. "Whoop-dee-doo."

"Well," I started "First off," I slapped him and he stumbled to the floor. I could see the top of his red hair and goggles peeking up from the edge of the bed. Finally, after recovering, he shot his whole head up.

"What the hell was that for?!" he said while rubbing his cheek, which was becoming more and more pink as he rubbed it.

I motioned to my stomach. "For doing _this_ to me!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" he asked, climbing back up onto the mattress.

"'What does this have to do with anything'?! Matt, _L is coming home next Saturday_! We only have a week to try to either hide this or cover it up!" I nearly yelled.

He just looked at me with his chin cupped in his hand. That went on for _way_ too long. Finally he spoke. "I see where the problem lies."

My eyes widened and I rolled them. "Really, you do? Well it's about freaking time!"

"Well, can't you just have the baby before L comes?"

I stared at him, completely dumbfounded. "Have you even _read_ that book, or did you just skim?"

"The latter."

I huffed at him. "Babies take nine months to cultivate, Matt. It's been three weeks since this happened!"

"Can't it just be premature?" At this point, I saw no reason to talk to him any further. I stomped out of the room.

"Now where do you think _you're _going?" Matt called after me.

"I'm going to get someone who has been thoroughly educated's advice on this problem.

I glowered at him as I headed out. "Bitch!" I yelled at him

He looked up from his book. "Speak for yourself!" he yelled, waving a farewell after me. And with a heavy resentment for Matt on my shoulders, I made my way to heck on earth: Michael's room.


	6. Musky Dungeon?

The walk to Michael's room was perhaps one of the weirdest I've ever taken in the Wammy House. That was because when I had just turned seven, and Michael had joined our happy 'family', I swore I would never go to his room. Let alone _voluntarily._

The closer I got to his room; there was a smell that kept getting stronger and stronger. I couldn't put my finger on it exactly. It was somewhere between the smell of Near's action figures being melted down and Matt's secret recipe for mud pie. The secret ingredient: Mud.

Well, I eventually got to Michael's room. The stench just kept getting more potent by the second. By the time at was at his door and about to knock, I was doubled over from that terrible smell. And it totally changed the closer you got to it. Now it was a cross between Matt's athlete's foot, and wet Beyond Birthday. I summoned the strength from some dark corner in my stomach, and knocked. At first there was no answer, so I tried again.

Then it came. A voice that sounded like it came from someone who hadn't seen sunlight for well over a millennium. It was also how I pictured Satan to sound as he leads his chain gang down to the fiery pits of Hell. Anyway, the door opened and I keeled over. How could anyone coexist with that smell?

"Yesss?" asked Michael. He looked down at me trying desperately to crawl away. "Ah, Mello!" he called after me. But that apparently wasn't enough for him. He leapt after me, and seeing he had the benefit of working legs, he caught up with me, and dragged me by the hem of my pants into his lair. When we were in his room, he stood me up. "Where were you going little buddy?"

I was practically crying by that point. Then, a question hit me. "What that awful smell? And how do you live with it?"

He laughed heartily. "It's just that candle I have burning over there. Go over there and check it out." With my interest sparked, I headed to the candle that was burning on his dresser.

I gingerly picked it up and read the label. "'Musky Dungeon'?!" I exclaimed. I just found the scent that wouldn't be making its way onto the 'Yankee Favorites' list anytime soon. "Where on God's good earth did you get this?" I asked.

"I had it custom made." He said matter-of-factly. "Here," he said searching around under his bed for something. "I ordered a box of 'em. I want you to have this one." He extended his arm, with musky dungeon at the end of it. The thing smelled even worse unlit.

"T-Thank you, Michael." I said excepting it reluctantly. I set it aside on the night stand. "Hey, Michael, there's something I need to talk to you about."

Without looking up from his 'In Touch' magazine, he quickly replied, "Shoot"

"Well, you see, L is coming home next week, and I don't want to kill him with the fact that I'm now like...the Virgin Mary...Mello...personthing."

"Soo... where's the problem here?"

I was losing control of my temper at an alarming rate. "The problem is that I don't want L to know that I'm pregnant!" I screamed.

"And why do I need to be involved in this?" he asked calmly.

I took a deep breath. "You're involved in this because you're the only person I know who can possibly hide that fact that I'm with child!"

"Ah, I see now." I gave him a look that just screamed _duh_. "Well, you have a few options, here. One: you can just cope with L knowing you're pregnant. Two: you can deliver early."

"No way."

"Well, then there's option number three: Abort." He smiled proudly.

I looked up at him; it was clearly visible on my face that I was confused. "What's that?" I asked nervously.

"Oh, it's when teen moms don't want their baby. So they go to the doctor to a shot that kills the fetus." I stared down at the candle in my hand.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!" I said looking up at Michael. Just then, Matt came through the door, and was just as taken back by the smell as I was.

"Mells, L is on the telephone downstairs."

"I have got to go." I began to stand up and walk out the door with my new candle in hand. I passed the candle to Matt, who gave me a perplexed stare.

"But can't you stay for tea and scones?" he yelled as I closed the door on him and his creepiness, and his candle, and the fourteen medieval weapons he had hanging on his walls. I shouldn't have left Matt alone in there with Michael.

-

Just as I passed the candle onto Matt, Roger was in his office, waiting to pass the phone onto me.

"Hello." I said politely into the receiver.

"_Ah, Mello, good evening." _L said equally as politely. "_Is there anything new_?" I paused. I had a good mind to tell him about everything that had happened in the last three weeks.

"No." I said somewhat guiltily. "Is there anything new that has happened to _you_ since we last talked?"

"_Are you feeling any better?"_ At first I couldn't remember what he was talking about. Then, I hit me. Last time we talked I was 'sick'.

"Y-yeah L, a whole lot better."

"_That's good. You'll love this part then." _Some part of me didn't even want to know. Last time L said that, he dumped Near on me.

"What?" I said with a false enthusiasm.

"_Well, last time we talked, I said I would be coming home next week. But, as it turns out I will be able to come home this Saturday! Won't that be exciting?"_

I was speechless. And not that 'so happy I can't speak' kind; this was pure and astonishing horror.

"Hey L, I need to get going. I said I'd help Near with...something."

"_I'm so pleased that you two are learning how to get along!" _he said, blissfully unaware of my lie.

"Yeah, well, I've got to go." I said hurriedly. "So long, L"

"_Goodbye, Mello."_ I put the telephone on the phone-cradle and walked to my room dismally.

-

In the room, Matt was sitting at the foot of the bed, looking sleepily at the television. Over in the far corner of the room was a decorative hat box. I pointed to it.

"What's in that?" I said, with a wave of lassitude engulfing me.

"Your damn candle." He muttered, his eyes still glued to the group of pixels that was supposed to be Mario. "Smells like crap."

"Hmm." I said contently. I curled up under one of Matt's striped arms and drifted to sleep.


	7. Midnight Cravings

I rolled around in bed a lot that night. I was surprised that I was still engulfed by my blankets when I woke up at two-freaking-thirty in the morning. The first time this happened at eleven 'o' clock, Matt said it was mostly anxiety related, you know with L coming home and all.

Like I was supposed believe _that_ psychological crap.

I peeked down at Matt from my bunk. He looked like an angel when he slept. "H-Hey, Matt," I said in a hoarse whisper while clutching my raging stomach. "My stomach hurts again."

He answered me with an eloquent 'hmrph' sound noise. That certainly wasn't a decent answer for me, so the next thing on my list was to wake him up with some ridiculous lie. I crawled down from my bunk of the bed and stood peering over him like a vulture on sweet, three-day old possum baby.

"Matt."I declared. After he managed to stay asleep after that I jabbed my index finger into his ribs. He simply rolled over and grunted some unintelligible offenses. Damn. The man could sleep. Well, I was at my last resort. I grabbed the Nintendo controller from where it lay, and discarded in favor of a soft pillow. The noise hadn't woken him up, so I began to shout things at the screen like, 'take _that_ Donkey Kong', and 'Die you stupid zombie', and my personal favorite, 'Yes! Beat Matt's _high score_!' That woke him up real good. He sprang up from his current sleeping position and stared, bleary eyed at the blank television screen.

He glared down at me. "There's nothing even _on_ the freakin' screen." He grumbled. Just then there was a thunderous knocking at the door.

"Are you children even _asleep_? Keep it down!" yelled Rodger. When Matt had heard his footsteps become more and more distant, he tried to fall asleep again.

"Whoa there," I said catching his head before it hit the pillow. "I need you to do me favor. I need you to get me a popsicle."

He studied me for a minute. "Why?" He finally grumbled, obviously displeased to be deprived from one of his four hours of sleep.

I thought for a second. He wouldn't do it if I said I had another stomach ache. I had to think of something new. Yeah, I had to think of something new and something semi-serious.

"Because..." I began quickly forgetting was I wanted to be saying. He raised a disbelieving eyebrow at me. "Because it's a midnight craving." I needed this to sound more realistic. "And while you're at it... get me some tapioca."

"But you hate tapioca pudding." He remarked, finding a reason to stay in his warm bed.

"Well I really want some right now. Now go." He began to get out of bed. "And I want a _lemon_ popsicle."

I think he ignored me as he trudged down the hallway in his robe, all the while muttering something about hating it when I pull the pregnant card on him.

While Matt was downstairs getting my crud-pudding and frozen treat I was kicking myself. Why had I said _tapioca?_ I should have at least said something I liked. Like chocolate pudding. But no, now I had to down tapioca. Isn't that stuff poisonous when it's raw?

Matt came back moments later with a popsicle and a bowl of steaming hot pudding. Must've put it in the microwave. He yawned and extended his arm out to me. I was going to save the worst for last so I began to unwrap the popsicle.

"Matt," I began, staring down into the bag's top piercing. "Matt, this is a _strawberry_ popsicle."

He yawned again. "So?" he said, stretching out on his bed.

"So," I remarked, "I wanted a _lemon_ popsicle."

He glowered at me. "It was dark and I think we're out of lemon ones. Can't you just eat your stupid tapioca?"

"Get. Me. My. Lemon. Popsicle." I said through clenched teeth.

"I'll get your popsicle when you eat at least some of that tapioca." Seeing my defeat, I took the steaming bowl of pudding, grabbed the spoon, and hesitantly took a bite of it. I kept it in my mouth for awhile before swallowing it. The very second it hit my credulous stomach, I ran to the bathroom.

As I darted down the hall, I heard Matt yell after me, "I'll go get you your popsicle now." Then I heard the sound of someone walloping someone with a pillow. I can only imagine that was Linda's handiwork.

-

The bathrooms, if possible, were even cleaner and more blinding at night. On my way to the stalls I tripped over something. Something white. Something white that was making a fort out of soap bars. Right in the middle of the damn floor.

I hit the ground with incredible force, so that everything that was in my mouth went flying out onto the floor.

"What the heck Near?!" I said while wiping would-be-puke from my hair and slightly bruised chin. "Why are you building a tower in the bathroom at two thirty in the morning?"

He looked up at me with big, vacant eyes. "Because," he said "It's the only place where I can build towers at night with the light on and not get in trouble." I just looked at him, with one eyebrow raised. I had to admit, though he had a semi-decent point.

"Why do you have to do it in the middle of the floor though?" He ignored me and asked a question of his own.

"What are you going to do," he motioned to my belly. "about that." I glared down at him.

"I don't know, Near." I said in my highest-pitched voice, which was quite high.

"Mello." He said, twirling a curl of hair around his fingers. "Do you have any more business in here?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was kicking me out of the _bathroom_.

"Y-yes." I said indignantly. I went over the faucet. First I washed my face and rinsed my hair for a brief moment. Then I brushed my teeth. Thoroughly. After that I made my way back to my room, cursing Near the whole way for kicking me out of a public facility.

-

I got back to my room and flopped down on my bed, only to have my head frozen by a small whitish-yellowish package. On the top was a small post it note that read, 'Your Welcome' in Matt's chicken-scratch. Quickly realizing what it was, I opened it and popped it into my mouth.

After I was done I began to lull to a long awaited sleep. Just before I was out like a light, I began to think: none of this would have ever happened if I had just told Matt to get the popsicle, and veto the tapioca.

Damn midnight cravings.


	8. Soapy Mishaps

Hey Readers, here's the new chapter. Sorry it took so long to post!

* * *

It was shockingly late when I woke up the next morning. Matt was already in his usual attire, ready to face the day, and there I was, sprawled across my bed, tangled in my sheets, my shirt riding up, and lemon popsicle juice covering most of the face. It was sticky feeling. I sat up, wiping my eyes and looking around the room. It was perfectly normal, but there was a certain uncomfortable feeling hanging in the air.

"Matt?" I said groggily. He looked up from his video game.

"Oh," he said absent-mindedly. "You're up. Finally."

"Matt, why can I physically feel a cavity coming on?"

"Because you ate like...five popsicles without brushing your teeth last night."

"Ah." I said. I climbed down from my bunk and looked at the clock. So what if was eleven 'o' clock. I picked up my showering supplies and left Matt to his video games.

-

I walked into the bathroom, ignoring a yellow sign on the ground. I looked in the mirror. I looked like hell. My hair was everywhere and my eyes were puffy and red and sleep deprived. I then continued onto the showering room. On my way across the bathroom, I slipped and hit my head in roughly the same area as I had the night before. Then I looked at the sign. On it was a little stick figure slipping on something.

We usually used the sign when there was ice outside, but Rodger thought it appropriate to use it for the slippery bathroom. Then it occurred to me that: I didn't know what the hell I was laying _in_. Cautiously, I took a sniff of it: soap. I should've guessed that Near would have fallen asleep in here, someone would put him in his room, and _not_ put the soap back.

I got up and once again began the journey to the showers. I was going to blame and kill Near if I flunked the physics exam today. I arrived at the shower stalls a couple seconds later. I took my pajamas off, turned on the hot water, and hopped in. Despite what the temperature dial told me, it was freaking freezing. After five minutes, it _gradually_ began to get warmer, but just _gradually_. As I was lathering my head with shampoo, my stomach began to act up.

I don't think it was because I was hungry, or because I was expecting, or because I ate something weird. This time, and for the first time ever, I could believe Matt's psychological crap. I began to think of all the things that could possibly be stressing me out. _Near's soap tower mishap might have _damaged_ my brain, Michael was being creepier than ever, I'm pregnant-_that was a given-_L's coming home....._

The last part of that shooed all other thoughts from my mind. L was coming home early. Matt needed to know about this. Without bothering to rinse my hair I sped from the showers. In my hurry I almost forgot my towel. That would've been a BIG mistake.

Once again, Near's stupid need to build towers out of soap impeded my telling Matt. This time I fell flat on my face, though. I quickly got up and began to grumble words that would have given Watari a Kira-scaled heart-attack.

-

I slammed the door to my room open so loudly, you couldn't _help_ but notice me.

"Matt." I growled.

Without looking up from his game, he mumbled "Near did it." That got me thinking, but I needed to stay focused.

I grabbed the game from his hands. "Matt I need to talk to you about something _very _important."

He dramatically put his hand over his eyes. "Please don't tell me you're carrying twins."

"No. Matt, L is coming home. Early." I stared at him straight in the eye.

"Well then," he began "we've got ourselves a problem."

"Damn straight." I replied. I began to leave the room when Matt called after me.

"So.....while you're just in that towel..." Oh no. He was getting one of his 'sexual urges' again.

"Maybe later." I called "You know, like when I get this shampoo out of my hair."

"I'm holding you to your word." He called after me. I was really going to need to scrub that one away with much gusto.

-

When I got back to the shower to finish, someone had begun to use my stall. So, I had to wait about thirty minutes for some healthy Hawaiian kid to finish shampooing his hairy shoulders and various other hirsute areas of his body.

I finally got my turn in the shower again, but I got an abundance of shampoo into my eyes. And it didn't come out, so I was squinting everywhere I went. That had to look sufficiently weird.

And so, with a conversation in mind, a baby inside me, and shampoo in my eyes, I headed back to satisfy Matt's.....needs? I was mostly hoping he gotten over his hormones by now.

-

I warily stepped back into our room, seeing if Matt had any chocolate syrup with him. No, he was sitting on the ground, trying to beat Luigi to the finish line.

Upon hearing my foot land on the squeaky floor board, he sprung into action. Shoot. He hadn't ditched the hormones.

He sauntered over to me in what he probably supposed was a seductive fashion, but in truth, it looked more like someone dropped a gerbil down his trousers.

"Helloooo." He said in a sing-song manner.

"'Sup." I said hastily. I grabbed his shoulders and flung him onto his bed. He let out an apathetic sigh.

"Listen here, Matto. I've decided on something."

"Shoot." He said with feigned interest. I smacked his head lightly.

"Just shut up and listen, this is _important!_" I squeaked. "I've decided that L will understand if I tell him about...this. So I've decided to just let him know about it."

Matt pulled me down to his level. "I'm glad." He said. He then kissed my cheek. Letting my mind wander for a mere minute, I didn't notice the black car pull up outside.

* * *

herherherherherherheher.......SUSPENSE!!


	9. Confrontations and Scrap Metal

Yeah! 2000 word finale! Hope you like it!

* * *

A black car pulled up smoothly against the curb. Rodger was waiting patiently to play bell-boy for someone he didn't even care for. First out of the car was Watari, who made his way to the other side of the car.

"Really, Quillish," Rodger began as Watari started to unload the luggage. "I've never seen anyone parallel park quite like you."

Watari offered a smile to Rodger and handed him one of L's various candy-filled suitcases. Before anyone could speak another word, the car's backseat door opened, revealing first a bare foot (testing to see if shoes or socks were an _absolute_ necessity) and then the rest of L morphed out of the vehicle. He inhaled a lungful of fresh Winchester air, then reached into the car and pulled out the old ratty sneakers he had probably shed the minute he reached the car.

He inhaled once more and stretched before he noticed Rodger. "Oh," L said groggily. "Hello Rodger." Rodger could only groan back as the weight being forced on him increased.

"Good Lord, L!" Rodger finally managed to bust out. "What do you keep in these suitcases, bricks?"

L chuckled at the implication. "Oh, heavens no. I keep souvenirs for my successors. If anything in there feels like bricks, it's probably Mello's chocolate." With that said, L began his short walk to the house's front door.

"Oh! L! About Mel-Oh my Lord!" Rodger exclaimed before collapsing under the weight if yet another suitcase. Watari looked down at Rodger, shrugged and piled on more luggage.

-

I woke up to the screaming of every child in the house._ Is the place on fire? _That was one of my first thoughts on the situation. I rubbed my eyes and went down stairs to the parlor, which was the center of the boisterous activity. I found Matt sitting unenthusiastically on the small sofa, away from the hodge-podge of children with their faces mashed against the window.

"Hey." I said dryly. He glanced up at me quickly and uninterestedly.

"Oh. Hey." He said looking back down at his video game. "You finally woke up from your catnap."

"Sooo, what's happening out there?" I said, trying to make conversation. "Is someone being mauled by a raccoon again?"

"Nope. I can't believe you don't remember. L is home." He sounded a bit fed-up with my obliviousness.

"What?!" I squawked too late. The door handle opened revealing the world's finest detective and my current nightmare. Matt and I made our escape while the rest of the kids ran to L and latched onto him anywhere they could. That _had_ to be uncomfortable.

On our way to our room we ran into Near. He was shuffling along the floor, a robot clutched in one hand and the other was securely nested in his hair. He looked up at us vaguely.

"Is L home yet?" he asked absently. Matt and I looked at each other. How could you _not_ know L was home? Other than Taco Night, it was the only time that the house resembled a freaking safari.

"Yeah." I answered.

"Okay." Near once again began to shuffle towards the stairs, each step bringing him closer to L. I had a similar feeling, except _I_ was trying to _hide_ from him.

When we got to our room, I flopped down on Matt's bed while Matt himself barricaded the door. He walked over to the bed and flopped down beside me.

"What the hell is wrong with you? I thought you _wanted_ L to know." He was more stressed out than angry.

"Well, I only decided that this morning! I needed more time to think of what I was going to say. If he just saw me like this without an explanation, it'd probably kill him." I was almost hyperventilating at that point, and on the verge of tears.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'll stay in here with you until you think of something." He smiled at me.

"Really?" I sniffled.

"Sure, there were too many people in there for me anyway. Just take all the time you need, because," he paused to flip open his handheld "I've got nothing _but_ time."

I smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek, causing him to turn an awkward shade of pink that clashed horridly with his hair.

We apparently didn't have _nearly_ as much time as we thought we had. Almost immediately after I had begun to think of the new plan there was a knock at the door. The person obviously wanted in, because after that there was a terrible clattering sound.

Finally the intruder began to break through Matt's barrier. The door was open enough now that the intruder could see into the room.

"What in the world?" it said as it tried to open the door some more. Both Matt and I were in panic-mode, realizing that the intruder was in fact, L. L who was carrying Near, an _eleven year-old_, like a baby.

L had seen Matt in the room and planned to use him to get inside our room for some reason. "Matt- _it _is_ Matt isn't it?_-would you be so kind as to open the door, or shall I have to kick it down?"

Matt looked up at him, awe-struck. "You can do that?"

"Yes, but I'd hate to destroy a perfectly good door. Now, may I please come in?" Matt looked at me, nonverbally asking my permission on that matter. I shook my head vigorously and Matt looked back at an expectant L.

"Mello says, 'No way in hell.'" He said, and with that He slammed the door on L's and Near's noses.

We both breathed a sigh of relief. I looked at Matt, who was a bit calmer about all of this.

"That was a bit _too_ close." I was still breathing heavily.

Matt looked at me with a somewhat disappointed look on his face. "Maybe you should just suck it up and come clean to L about all of this.

"Fine." I said "I'll tell him. Now go get him." Matt rolled his eyes, but followed the command.

While he was gone, I began to go over the possible ways of saying it.

_L, I'm pregnant and it's all Matt's fault._ No.

_Good News! You're gonna be a grandpa L!_ Maybe.

_L-_

Before I could finish anymore of my thoughts, L burst through the door, once again carrying Near.

"Matt has informed me that you would like to tell me something, Mello." He began to survey my 'new look'. "Hopefully it might explain what happened to you. When I left a few months ago, you were one of the thinnest children here."

My mind was racing in several different directions at once. "I-I--" Couldn't think of anything at the moment. _Damn it, which one of the test phrases had I decided on?_

"Well," L said, not losing his patience in anyway. "Did you have something to tell me?"

Then it happened, all at once without me even thinking about it.

"Matt knocked me up!" I cried out, literally. I had tears streaming down my cheeks, and to make matters any worse, I was sweating like Rodger after getting out of a sauna.

L seemed almost unfazed by the news, though. All that happened to him was that his eyes grew a tad bigger and he blinked a couple of times, as if he hadn't heard me correctly.

As it turns out he hadn't. He blinked at me once more. "I'm sorry, but...what?" he asked, the look of confusion on his face was distinct.

I choked back what was turning into a full on tantrum. "Matt freaking knocked me up! I'm pregnant! With child! However you want to put it! But in eight months or so, some mixture of Matt and I is going to poke its little head out into the world and say hello!"

L once again showed no visible change in composure. Then he did something even Near couldn't expect. He laughed. Heartily. At me.

"What are you laughing at? It's not funny!" I sobbed. L just laughed again.

"Mello, listen to me. You aren't pregnant." L was smiling when he said it, and was clearly humored by my explanation.

"Yes I am. This book says I am." I picked up my copy of 'Pre-Mothers Guide to Happiness'. L took one look at it and laughed again.

"Mello, who exactly gave you this book?"

"Michael." I said enthusiastically.

L rolled his eyes and out Near down. 'Oh boy.' was the only thing he said before leaving to go talk to Michael.

Near looked up at us with that creepy little smile of his plastered across his creepy little face. "So, who gets to be the godparents?" he asked. That was when we both had to usher him out of the room. And stuff him in the _near_est broom cupboard. I tell you, I kill myself sometimes.

-

On our way back from the cupboard, we saw L dragging Michael somewhere by his earlobe. If that didn't just _spell_ out pain and humiliation, I don't know whatdid.

Naturally, Matt and I followed behind, being curious and all. And of course, he insisted we take all of the unnecessary spy precautions, you know, like, _crawling_ behind them. It didn't make any difference though. By the time we finally caught up with them they were out of sight.

"This," I began "Is why taking 'unnecessary spy precautions', is plain stupid."

Matt hung his head in shame."It always works for the people in the video game." He grumbled. Really, he had sunk to a whole new kind of low.

We reached our room and to our surprise, Near was standing in front of our door, with his tiny little arms crossed across his chest.

"L would like to see you, Mello." He said smugly.

"H-how did you get out of the closet?!" Matt asked.

"You didn't lock it; you just buried me in a pile of cleaning supplies and closed the door." I slapped my hand to my head and started towards Rodger's office.

-

When I got to his office, I had a hunch that this wasn't about the broom cupboard incident. At the desk were Watari, L, and Rodger, and occupying one of the two chairs before them was Michael, who was grinning like a demon.

Watari motioned for me to sit down, so I did. Rodger cleared his throat. "It would seem that Michael has started a rumor about you and Matt, Mello. Well, we're here to clear things up between you two. Michael, would you like to start?"

"No thank you." He replied quaintly. Rodger narrowed his eyes.

"That was rhetorical." He said. "Start talking."

"Well, I started the rumor because I caught Matt and Mello doing some... naughty things last month. So _I_ told _Enrique_ that Mello was pregnant, and the rumor started to spread. And....no one would believe me if Mello just stayed flat like that, so I took up kitchen duty one day...and I might have just slipped something into his food. "

Rodger told him to continue, and that he meant it.

"I might have just slipped some slipped some walnuts into the pudding that day. And that's all I did!"

Watari raised an eyebrow at him.

"Physically...."

"You!" I growled, lunging for him. I landed on him and began to scratch at him arms, which were covering his face. Almost instantly L had to pull me off of him. And Michael was cackling. "What else did you do to me?!"

"Nothing except make you _think_ you were pregnant. The rest was all you."

I gave him an odd and suspicious look. "What?"

"_You're_ the one who made yourself start eating more. _You're_ the one made yourself sick every morning by eating more than you're used to. It's really mostly _your_ fault." Michael gave the adults a sickeningly sweet smile.

"Nice try, Michael." L began. "But you started the rumor, fed Mello something he's allergic to, and you played your little mind games with him. I think the best thing for you would be to a have a little visit with your friend the scrap metal company down the block."

Michael's widened and I was escorted from the room.

-

I arrived back at my room to find an anxious Matt. "What did L want? Are we punished for stuffing Near into the broom closet?"

I smiled at him. "No. The meeting was about this whole pregnancy thing."

"And...?" Matt added impatiently.

"And I'm not pregnant. It was just a rumor that Michael started to get a laugh. This," I grabbed my stomach and shook it. "Is just fat. Not a baby in it, any way."

Matt looked relieved, like someone just took a five-thousand pound grocery bag off his shoulders. "Is Michael going to be punished?" he asked.

"Yeah. They're sending him to a scrap metal factory to make staples by hand."

"Awesome." Then we hugged. But just as we were going in for a kiss, there was a terrible crashing sound, than someone that sounded like yelled, "He's escaping!"

Matt looked at me, than he pushed me off the bed, giving me the encouraging words, "Go _get that bitch_." Later followed by, "You need to lose some weight anyway."

I shot him a death glare and was off.

The End

* * *

It's Over and I'm gonna miss it. Thanks to all you reviewers, I appreciate your support. And thank you to the wonderful tsuchifuru for doing an absolutely wonder job beta-ing this story.


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